Living in chronic pain is exhausting- not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Obviously pain makes physical things harder. Every movement is difficult. Washing my hair, my shoulders and neck burn and ache. Bending down to put socks and shoes on, my back strains and sharp pain radiates into my legs. Picking Simeon up, helping Samuel get dressed, every movement reminds me of how broken my body is. There are times when the housework and cooking I really love to do, feels not only like a chore, but it mocks me and reminds me of my inadequacies. 

Being in chronic pain reduces my mental abilities. I forget things, I am distracted, overwhelmed easily, impatient, irritated. Concentrating on a single thing takes so much work that it’s easier to scroll through Facebook than engage with my children and husband. How awful is that to even write? I am working on this constantly. I want to be present. But like I said before, it’s exhausting.

Emotionally, I struggle with depression and anxiety, a constant nagging that I can never do enough, I will never be enough. These feelings are magnified on my bad pain days, days when I can’t fold laundry without becoming extremely fatigued, when chopping veggies for dinner leaves my shoulders and arms throbbing, when I snap at Samuel for doing normal kid stuff. I feel so discouraged and I wonder if I’m equipped to be my boys’ mom; if my impatience will mess them up. 

Sometimes God feels far away, I wonder why He’s allowed me to be in pain for so long. I get angry that He chooses not to heal me. Most days I accept that this is His will for me, but there are some days, some moments, when I feel like He has forsaken me. I wonder how He can ever use my pain for His glory. Surely a healthy body would help me to minister more effectively. I would be able to be at church more, participate in more ministries, minister to my husband and family better. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. I want to encourage people, but I feel so discouraged. I have nothing to give.

Even now as I type this, my legs are on fire, they feel like they are vibrating, they are throbbing all the way down to my toes. My arms are cramping because I’m moving my fingers. My shoulders ache so badly and it’s hard to move my head around. How can this be what is best for me? How can this be what He wants for me? 


Most of my posts end with a silver lining, a “But God” epiphany,  but tonight I’m going to leave it just the way it is. I’m too exhausted for anything else.

The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Integrity

Merriam Webster defines integrity as “the quality of being honest and fair or the state of being complete or whole.” What wife would not want this for her husband?

In this chapter Stormie defines integrity as

“Not what you appear to be when all eyes are on you. It’s who you are when no one is looking. It’s a level of morality below  which you never fall, no matter what’s happening around you. It’s a high standard of honesty, truthfulness, decency, and honor that is never breached. It’s doing for others the way you would want them to do for you.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 117).

My husband says what he means and means what he says. He doesn’t play games. I really love that about him. As a woman, sometimes I try and read into things that he says to me, but it turns out, he doesn’t have ulterior motives. His yes means yes and his no means no. That is a huge blessing. He doesn’t leave me guessing.

My husband is a teacher and one of his jr. high students told her dad that my husband was her favorite teacher. Her dad asked her why. She said it was because he was fair. If he said that he would give them a failing grade if they did something and they did it, he gave them a failing grade. It didn’t matter who the student was. He doesn’t play favorites.

One thing Stormie writes about it how her husband has taken stands against things he knew were wrong and how much it cost him. Because my husband works in Christian education, I’m sure he doesn’t come up against this as much as men who work in secular jobs. But my husband is very familiar with God’s Word and if God’s word says something is wrong, he will take a stand against it, even if that means people in the Christian community think he’s a weirdo. The jabs and ridicule by people, even Christians sometimes, is worth it because he knows that he’s doing what God wants him to do and that’s enough for him. 

“The Bible says, ‘The righteous man walks in integrity; his children are blessed after him’ (proverbs 20:7). Whether my children fully recognize it or not, they will receive a heritage from their father’s adherence to the principles of high moral integrity. There are blessings they will enjoy because of the kind of man he is. I pray they will pass those on to their children.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 118)

I have already seen the blessings of my husband’s integrity in my son’s life. Lately I have overheard him teaching our son that he needs to be a man of his word. He is only three years old, but I know that every time my husband reminds him, he is planting seeds in my son’s heart that will help him grow into a man of integrity. 

“Integrity happens in the heart. Therefore, being a man of integrity is something your husband must CHOOSE to do on his own. But you can prayerfully help him fight the enemy that seeks to snare him, blind him, and keep him from making that decision. Even when he makes the right choice, there will be a negative reaction to it in the realm of evil. Your prayers can help shield him from anything that causes him to doubt and waver, and give him strength to do what’s right- even when no one’s looking.” (The Power of A Praying Wife, page 119)

As Fit As I Can Be

One year ago in June, I pulled my groin and quad because I worked out with a personal trainer – once- and I obviously pushed my poor body too hard, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. It was one week after working out with the trainer that I was under Samuel’s highchair cleaning up his tossed dinner when I got up from kneeling and felt something pull in my leg. I could have sworn I audibly heard it tear. It was sickening and Mike got me to a chair and we put ice on it, but the damage was done. It took close to $500, lots of ice, heat and Motrin, physical therapy, an MRI and almost 6 months before I was able to work out again. Lesson learned…. or so I thought….


I have been feeling pretty terrible lately, fibromyalgia-wise. I notice though that when I work out consistently, the pain, anxiety and depression are far less than if I stayed home and did nothing. This week I went to the gym 4 days and either walked on the treadmill or “ran” on the elliptical. I was feeling great! I had more energy, my debilitating pain was now just annoying and tiring.


A few weeks ago, Mike started a fitness challenge group with a workout program called T25 from Beachbody. It’s a workout that you do at home while watching some videos. My girlfriends and I are going on a girls’ getaway in August and have all committed to losing 10 pounds before then. Mike thought it would be fun if we all did this workout program together. We start on Monday so Mike decided to preview it last night. I was excited to see the modified moves and wondered if I would be able to keep up. I started the workout with him, making sure to watch the girl doing all of the low impact modifications. I made it 17 minutes into the 25 minute video. Then my leg and groin started to ache. I immediately stopped and put ice on it. Fifteen minutes passed and I felt like I had injured myself just like last year. I went to bed crying, not because of the pain (I deal with pain all the time, I’m a champ! LOL); it was because of the disappointment and fear I felt.


You see, I want to be fit, like really fit. I LOVE working out. I would workout hard every single day if my body let me. But it doesn’t. I have tried running, yoga, workout videos. The only exercise I can do it walking or the elliptical (some days, if my shoulders will let me. Sometimes I can’t move my arms because of the pain.) The rest leave me in more pain, sometimes pain that lasts months. It’s extremely disappointing.


I’m thankful to be able to walk for exercise. I wasn’t supposed to be walking, period. But there is this desire in me to be more, do more. And my body just says no.


This morning my leg and groin are feeling a little better. I’m going to take it super easy today and maybe even skip the gym this week to let it heal. I know that will cause my fibro pain, anxiety and depression to rise again. It’s a terrible cycle. My heart breaks every time it happens and I feel hopeless. This happened a couple weeks ago. I had a swollen and painful lymph node and wasn’t able to work out. This caused a huge fibromyalgia flare. I was just coming out of it and then this happened. Sigh….


I guess I just needed to vent and write about how I felt. Mike can only say “I’m sorry, Babe” so many times. I hate that he hurts so much when i’m hurting. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world; he knows how disappointed I am. I was telling him last night that I’m so sad that I’ll never be as fit as I want to be. He replied with “But you can be as fit as you can be.”


My goal this week is to focus on that. Do everything I can to be as fit as I can be. Focus on the fact that I can do something; some people are not able to do anything. Some people are able to do it all and still choose to do nothing. If this week all I can do it walk, then I’ll walk. If all I can do it rest and ice, then I will rest and ice. And I’ll do my very best to stay positive.


The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Trials

“Everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes our prayers help us to avoid them. Sometimes not. It’s the attitude we have when we go through them that matters the most. If we are fulled with anger and bitterness, or insist on complaining and blaming God, things tend to turn out badly. If we go through them with thankfulness and praise to God, He promises to bring good things despite them. He says to ‘count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience’ (James 1:2,3).” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Page 111)


If you ask my husband what trials he has gone through, he might mention a couple he’s had in his whole life. This is not because his life has been free from trials, but because he has such a great attitude when hard things come his way that they don’t even register as a blip on the trialometer (yes, I just made that up). He is a very go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He may complain of an inconvenience every once in a while, but not often at all.

A couple weeks ago at work, he started getting a migraine, which he gets kind of frequently, so he went out to his car to get his migraine medicine and as he was leaning into the passenger side to grab the box, a lady side swiped his car and her side mirror hit his driver’s side mirror and knocked the glass to the ground. She did pull over and stop, but didn’t have insurance. After dealing with the mirror and the migraine, he called me and said, “Babe, I’m having a hard day. I’m going to lay down in my classroom until I have to head over to do worship for youth group. Thank God I got into my car on the passenger’s side. She would have killed me if I was on the other side!” That was the extent of his complaining. I would have been a mess! A migraine and getting my car hit would have pushed my into a whineathon (Wow, I’m on a roll today with the made up words!) 

I prayed for my husband and he was able to do worship for youth group and the migraine went away for the most part. His attitude when trials come reminds me to count it all joy. He was so thankful for God’s protection (which I pray for often!) that he really didn’t get upset about the trial.

Now I do realize this was a little trial. We have not had to go through any major trials besides some of my medical problems and chronic pain, but I am sure that his attitude would be the same. I’d like to think that it’s all my prayers for his trials that make that true, but I think it’s just a gift God has given him. 

I think the fact that we have not gone through many big trials is, in part, because I cover my husband in prayer about all of the other things in this book- his work, his finances, his sexuality, his temptation, his mind. Sometimes trials just happen because we live in a fallen world with sinful people, but many times trials come because we bring them on ourselves because of the poor decisions we make or the company we associate with. I pray for my husband to have wisdom in all the areas in his life, especially all the things men tend to struggle with the most, like pride, sexual temptation, self reliance. Keep praying for your husband’s trials, but pray for all the other areas in his life too and you may not need to pray for his trials as much. 


I love what Stormie says about trials-


“Trials can be a purifying fire and a cleansing water. You don’t have to your husband to get burned or drowned; you want him to get refined and renewed.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 114)


We can play a big part in that! Keep praying for, supporting and encouraging your husbands!



The Power Of A Praying Wife -His Protection

“Our husbands are on the battlefield every day. There are dangers everywhere. Only God knows what traps the enemy has laid to bring accidents, diseases, evil , violence, and destruction into our lives. Few places are safe anymore, including your own home. But God has said that even though ‘The wicked watches the righteous, and seeks to slay him, the Lord will not leave him in his hand’ (Psalm 37:23,33). He promises that He will be ‘a shield to those who put their trust in Him’ (Proverbs 30:5). He can even be a shield to someone we pray about because of our faith.” (The Power of A Praying Wife, Page 107)

I pray for my husband’s protection every single day. Now this does not come from my holiness, but from my anxiety. I am constantly afraid that my husband is going to get into a car accident on his way home, or that someone is going to rob him at the bank while he deposits his checks after teaching music lessons at night. My anxiety about losing my husband used to be worse. When we were first married, if he was even 5 minutes late coming home from work my mind would start imagining the worse. By the time my poor husband walked through the door, I would be a mess, usually in tears and mad at him for not calling me to say he was going to be late. Most of the time it was traffic or a taking a phone call when he was sitting in the drive was when he got home that caused the delay. No car accident, no major head trauma, no gun shot wounds. Just life.

It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes the fear of losing him will creep up at night when I’m waiting for him to get home. His schedule can be a little irregular and he could be an hour earlier or later than I expect. He is usually so good to call and let me know what is going on, but sometimes it slips his mind. (I pray for the Lord to remind him to call me too!)

It’s funny that at this very moment, my husband just came into our room where I’m writing and says he’s going for a run to end his workout. It’s almost 9:30 pm. I still get a little anxious when I think about what could happen. But the Lord has been impressing on my heart to trust Him with my husband’s life. My husband also just said, “I’ll only be gone like six minutes. I’m going to leave my phone here.” The look on my face must have changed his mind because he grabbed his phone and smiled at me before he closed the door.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if God protected us from anything that could harm us?! I would never have to keep watching my clock to see when six minutes have passed!

But there are times when God doesn’t protect us from the evil around us. Bad things happen. I love what Stormie writes about this in this chapter.

“But accidents do happen, even to godly people and when they do they are sudden and unexpected. That’s why prayer for your husband’s protection needs to be frequent and ongoing. You never know when it might be needed in the battle field. And if something happens, you’ll have the comfort of knowing you’ve invited God’s presence and power into the midst of it.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Page 108)

That last sentence brings me such peace. When I read it I feel God’s peace wash over me and I feel calm. He is ultimately in control of my husbands safety and I have to trust Him. He is worthy of my trust.



Sew Much Rejoicing

Over the past few months I have been busy opening and running my very own Etsy shop! It’s been incredibly fulfilling making rice bags, aprons, burp cloths,  and baby toys. Most nights of the week after I put Samuel down for the night, you can find me at my kitchen table sewing away. It’s very relaxing for me and energizing too! I get such satisfaction when I finish a project. I get even more satisfaction when the item sells in my shop!

I’ve been making rice bags for friends and family for years. I use mine every single day. Heat always feels good on my back, neck and shoulders when i’m in the middle of a flare from my Fibromyalgia. You can find them scattered all around my house. I spend so much time feeling yucky that when I know I can help someone feel better, I jump on it. Rice bags have played such a big part in me ministering to people. It’s kind of silly when I think about it, but rice bags are really important to me and my life and it’s so exciting to be able to share them with people in my Etsy shop.

Right now I have four different kinds of rice bags in my shop. Here is a little preview!


This rice bag is my classic rice bag. It’s the first kind I started making and the kind I use the most for my neck, shoulders and back. There are lots of colors and patterns to choose from.




These little guys are what I call boo boo buddies and Samuel just recently started calling Owie Ice. 🙂 They are great for those inevitable bumps littles get throughout the day. These are used all day long with Samuel. He knows when he falls down he needs to run to the freezer and grab one for his boo boo…. and he gets lots of boo boos!  They are also great to pop in the microwave and use for hand warmers in your jacket pockets. I made Mike some when he was teaching P.E. outside and he had to stand out in the frigid temperature (ok…so it never really gets THAT cold here, but I know Mike appreciated them!) For those of you who live in a place with snow, these would be great to have for your kids’ pockets too when they go out to play!


I am so excited about these nursing rice bags! Probably because my sister just gave birth to my niece and I was able to help with the pain that comes along with nursing. They are the perfect shape and the center circle does not have rice so your extra sensitive areas are protected from the heat or cold. IMG_8500


This last rice bag is my newest project. It’s a little smaller than my original one and would be great to use for your lower back or even menstrual cramps. It’s also the perfect size to use on your head straight from the freezer if you have a headache. I’ve also used it when my sinuses were really stuffed up. The heat was soothing and started getting the snot flowing (TMI??).IMG_8637


The last thing I have in my shop is probably my favorite! Samuel and my niece Callie both wanted to be super heroes and asked if I would make them capes and masks. The kids loved them and Samuel even wants a super hero birthday party, so I’ll be making Mike an adult sized cape and mask in just a couple weeks. 

I also had some baby toys, burp cloths and aprons in my shop, but they didn’t sell as well, so I pulled them. But I can always do custom orders if people want them! Lately I’ve been thinking of adding some cute monogram tote bags and crayon roll-ups. I would love for you to check out my shop, tell me what you think and if you love something, buy if for your self or a friend or family member to make their life easier! I am so blessed to be able to share my shop and my heart with you!

Here is the link to my shop! SewMuchRejoicing  If you wouldn’t mind, after browsing my shop, come back to my blog and comment on this post and tell me what you think- things I can improve on (lighting in my pictures is definitely one of them! I use my island counter in my kitchen and depending on what time of day I take the picture, the shade of my items and counter vary), what things you would like to see, what patterns and colors make you happy! I appreciate any feed back you have for me!

Thanks and I’m praying for blessings on your day!



Thankful for God’s protection!!

Two day ago I took Samuel to the grocery store for a big shopping trip. He was really good for me, but walking around Winco for an hour, even if Samuel is an angel, is so hard on my body. My knees been bothering me lately and by the time we were done I had about 15 bags full of groceries. We drove home and chatted and when we got home, I sat in my drive way giving myself a pep talk. That’s a whole lot of groceries for me to carry in by myself (and before you start to wonder “why didn’t Mike go shopping with her or for her?”, he offered to go with me on Sunday, but I wanted us to stay home and spend quality family time together without me having to be distracted by grocery shopping). As I sat in my car, the music was on and Samuel was content and I was browsing Facebook, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man approach my car. He look a little “off” so I cracked my window about an inch and he asked me if I had any money so he could get something to eat. I told him that I didn’t and that I spend it all on the groceries I just bought. As he wandered down my street, I thought it was really bizarre that he was asking for money in my neighborhood. When he was a couple houses away, I jumped out of the car, got Samuel out and told him to walk quickly to the house. I grabbed a couple bags of groceries that I had to fit in the back seat. We got into the house and I started a show for Samuel, got him a snack and told him to stay in the house. I walked back out to my car to grab more bags and the guy was standing right by my car! He asked me again if I had any money and I told him I didn’t. He just stood there. I didn’t think he was going to leave so I offered him a cup of water. I told him I would be right back. I grabbed more bags and ran to the house. I locked Samuel in the kitchen with the baby gate and asked him to put the veggies in the fridge. I got the guy some water and when I opened my door he was sitting on my porch bench! I cracked my security door and handed him the water, thinking he would leave. He asked me if I had anything sweet to eat. I told him we don’t really have sweets, but I would look for something. I seriously just wanted him to go away, but didn’t think he would unless I appeased him. I came back with an orange and a fruit roll up. He was upset I didn’t have a granola bar. I pretty much threw the food at him, locked the security door, front door and dead bolt and turned my alarm on. All the while Samuel is standing at the baby gate saying, “Mama, what that man doin’ by our door?” I told Samuel the man was hungry and thirsty and that he was leaving. Well…he didn’t leave! He sat on our porch for a good 5 minutes, at the orange and fruit roll and left the peel and trash on my bench. He knocked on my door and I didn’t answer it. 

As soon as he was gone I called Mike and told him what happened. He told me to call 911 so I did and gave them a full description of the guy. I was thoroughly freaked out, but I still had cold groceries in the car! I sneaked out one last time and grabbed all the groceries left in one fell swoop and ran back into the house. This was at around 2 in the afternoon. I didn’t really feel scared until a little later when I put Samuel down for his quiet time and I was able to process what happened. I didn’t want Samuel to be afraid so I just put on a brave face until I put him into his room about and hour later. I kept peeking out my windows expecting to see him there again. Not a good feeling. I went to my mom’s house after Samuel’s quiet time because I didn’t want to be home alone and Mike wasn’t due home until about 8:30 pm. I got home from my mom’s at about 8:00 pm so I could get Samuel settled down and ready for a bed time story when Mike got home. I had my purse, Samuel’s back pack, some toys Samuel brought over to show Callie and I had to carry Samuel since he left his shoes at my moms. I got out of the car and as I was unbuckling Samuel , a guy rode by on a bike and I jumped and my heart raced, so I grabbed out stuff and ran to the house, locked up, armed the house and waited for Mike to get home.


I woke up yesterday still feeling uneasy and kept peeking out my windows all morning. I’m not a scared person, so that was very uncharacteristic of me. I got Samuel and me ready for the gym and headed to my car, being very cautious of my surroundings, Samuel stopped to chat with out neighbor across the street and when I opened my passenger side door I looked down and the contents of my glove box were all over my front seat. The hair on my neck stood up and I felt even more scared. I didn’t see anything missing but Samuel’s expired epipen I had in the glove box. The change was still in the center console and my handicap placard was still on the seat. I must have forgotten to lock my car as I was running to the house the night before. I got Samuel back into the house and called the police again. Two days in a row! Mike says i’m a regular now. 


The police officer came and took my statement and I told him about the day before. He said he was working in my area and would drive around throughout the day. I was so freaked out that I left my house and spend the day at my sister’s house. I felt so violated. Even though they didn’t take anything of value (they were probably very disappointed with the abundance of toys, kid clothes, half eaten bowl of teddy grahams and pretzels), it make my skin crawl thinking that someone was in my car rifling through my stuff. I drove home from my sister’s at about 5:00 pm so I could have dinner ready when Mike got home. As I walked up to my door, I noticed my box of tax receipts sitting on my porch. I thought we had left it at my in-laws’ house and thought maybe she had dropped it by, although I did think it was weird that she would leave it on the porch in plane sight. As I walked closer to my door I noticed a note sticking out from under the box. It read:

” Dear Neighbors, 

This box and its contents were on our walkway this morning at (their address) up the street. Just returning it because I wasn’t sure if it was important or not.


-Stephanie and Joel”


Again my skin started to crawl! The thief had taken more than I had thought! Inside the box were all of our medical co-pay receipts, some cds, my car manual and our registration bill. That must have been how they knew it was ours; that had our address on it. I spend the evening feeling even more violated, and because I was edge and in pain, things just went from bad to worse. Samuel must have sensed my anxiety because he was so naughty and defiant, throwing tantrums and screaming at me, resulting in lots of time outs. Samuel, deciding not to listen when I asked him to put his smoothie pop in the sink when he was done,  dripped smoothie pop juice all over the kitchen and living room. I had to crawl around on my hands and knees feeling for the small drops of juice. Mike called me outside to look at something and I stepped in dog poop with my flip flops on and got poop all over my foot, I tripped over a toy as I was favoring my bad knee and caught my baby toe, then as we were putting Samuel to bed, I noticed in his anger during one of his time outs, he has ripped up a brand new book we had just bought him. That was the final straw. I left Samuel’s room crying uncontrollably and laid on my bed until Mike finished bed time. That was when I sent out an SOS on Facebook asking for prayer. The crying went on as I iced my incredibly painful and swollen knee. My sweet husband made me strawberry shortcake before he worked out and I sat on the couch eating it and weeping. By the time I actually went to bed I was out of tears and had one heck of a head ache. 


This morning I woke up feeling a little less anxious, but my knee was still killing me, so I skipped the gym again. Samuel was so good for me today. I was just able to enjoy him! We worked on numbers and letters and chatted all day. It was so wonderful! I am so thankful for God’s protection. Mike is going to get me some pepper spray to keep with me just in case something like that happens again and I feel like I need to get away. I think that will give me some peace of mind. I still find myself jumping at noises that don’t usually make me jump and I get goose bumps when I think of what could have happened. I’m going to bed tonight in a much better place, feeling peaceful and safe as I listen to my buff hubby working out in the living room. 🙂

Starting Again

So, it’s been a while. Ok, a long while. To be honest, I’m not really sure what happened. Life happened, I guess. Toddlerhood happened. My Etsy shop happened. I realized I’m only good at doing a couple things at once and my blog has been left on the back burner. And it makes me sad. I love writing and sharing my heart and I don’t really feel like myself if I’m not writing. So, I’d like to start blogging again more consistently. It’s going to be hard since life happens all. the. time. It’s funny that way.


My son will be three next month and as much fun as it is to be home with him everyday, he sucks all the life out of me. 🙂 I go and go and go all day and when I put him into bed and walk back down the hall, my body hurts so much that I either use my rice bags and apply heat to all my sore spots or I ice everything, or I take a pain pill and go to bed. My son gave up napping, and although he does “quiet time”, he is rarely ever quiet, so it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than laundry or dishes or picking up his million toys. But I do want to write and I have to make a commitment to it.


I realized I never finished my series on The Power of A Praying Wife, by Stormie O’Martian, so that will be the first thing I will tackle. Thanks for being understanding and sticking with me! Stay tuned for a new post!

Choosing To Trust

After I gave birth to Samuel, I made Mike promise me that if I started taking about wanting another baby, he had to talk me out of it and remind me that I never wanted to be pregnant again. My pregnancy was tough because of my pre-existing back issues and my labor and delivery was a nightmare- 27 hours of labor, a third degree tear, infections for both Samuel and me, and a good 6 weeks before I was able to just sit without pain. I never wanted to do that again. I was adamant.

Fast forward two years. My body had healed from the delivery (well, mostly) and my heart began to change. I told Mike I wanted another child. He reminded me of what I had said and talked me out of it, just as I had asked. But the aching in my heart persisted and I brought it up to him again and told him I had changed my mind. He worries so much about my health already, adding another pregnancy, and after 9 months, a child to the mix really freaks him out.

The desire did not go away so we began praying about whether or not I should stop using birth control. I have infertility issues and getting pregnant again would be a miracle (just like the first time), so we stopped using birth control and left it up to The Lord. That was 9 months ago. I’m still not pregnant and we continue to trust The Lord with our desires.

However, the past few weeks have been very hard for me. I’ve found out that three friends are pregnant- just this week, as well as watching my sister’s belly grow as my new niece grows and developed inside of her. My heart has hurt so much today.

When I realized I wasn’t pregnant this month, I felt a mixture of disappointment and relief. Disappointment because I do want another child, I want Samuel to have a sibling to grow up with; relief because I could take a pain pill when my back went a little crazy and I needed strong pain relief, which led me to feeling disappointed again because my body is so messed up.

I am so incredibly thankful for Samuel. He is truly a miracle and brings us so much joy. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting another child because God has already given us Samuel and I have friends who so desperately want to have a child. Who am I to ask for another one? And then I feel upset because I have friends who have lots of children and I wonder why God has only given us one. It’s a tangle of many emotions!

I’m not exactly sure why I even wrote this post, maybe to get it all off my chest, maybe I’m hoping someone reads this and knows they are not alone when they too feel tangled in mixed emotions when it comes to their infertility and the feelings of injustice. Either way, I’ll end with this- I am choosing to trust The Lord with my family and future even when it’s painful.

The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Health

“For years my husband cared little about exercise. I would give lectures and meaningful talks, leave magazine articles in his path, and plead and cry about how I didn’t want to be a widow, but it all fell on glazed eyes and deaf ears. Then one day I got the brilliant idea that if praying worked for other parts of his life, it might work for this, too. I decided to employ my ‘shut up and pray’ method and ask God to give him the desire to exercise regular. I prayed for a number of month without any results, but then one morning I heard an unfamiliar noise coming from another room. I followed the sound and much to my amazement, it was my husband on the treadmill. I didn’t say a word. He has been using the treadmill and lifting weights about three days a week ever since.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 103)

I could have written this passage. When my husband and I were first dating, he weighed 315 pounds. He lifted weights, but did no cardiovascular exercise and the years he spent in college eating out every day took its toll on his body. His weight gain started back in junior high and continued through college. Being overweight and picked on, he became the funny guy, always throwing out jokes before people had time to make fun of him. His sense of humor was one of the things that attracted me to him. I was also attracted to his frame. I love that he was big and made me feel safe when he held me or when we were out in public. There is something comforting when you are with the biggest guy in the room. 🙂

Mike and Stacy heavy 4 001

After we had dated for a while and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, I started to pray about his weight and health. I looked down the road and imagined us having children and him not being able to play with them because of his weight. I imagined being widowed because he had a heart attack. We had a few conversations about his health and I assured him of my reasons for wanting him to lose the weight – it wasn’t that I was not attracted to him, it was that I was scared, scared of losing him. One day he decided he didn’t want to be fat anymore. I was so proud of him! When we got engaged he started losing some weight. He lost about 30 pounds before we tied the knot. His suit was way too big on him on our wedding day; I had to pin it back with a chip clip for pictures.

mike weight loss wedding

After we got married, he continued to lose weight. Over the course of about four years, he lost a total of 130 pounds! It really helped that I try to cook as healthful as possible and encourage him to keep at it. In the last month or so he has started running at least 3 days a week and is in the best shape of his life. He started running to support me since I took a leap of faith and am training to run a 5K. He knows the difficult task I’ve set before myself (If you are not familiar with my story or disability, check out the About Me page!) and he has stepped up and supported my running by jumping in with me! I love to watch him with our son; sometimes it make me emotional remembering my fears about him not being able to keep up with our future children.

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I do realize that this may not be the case with your husband. Your husband may not be interested in losing weight or taking care of himself. Don’t give up! Keep praying and try to include him (and your whole family!!) in activities that promote good health. Take family walks, challenge him to a game of horse on the basket ball court at the park, join a gym together and ask him to help you tone up. He will probably be excited to be able to show off his big muscles and his knowledge of weight lifting 😉 (Ask him to walk with you on the treadmills while you are there!) Have him help you pick out healthy recipes you can make together or tweak your existing ones to make them healthier. But above all, PRAY! Another point I want to touch on, one that Stormie also mentions in this chapter is health that is out of our control. My husband has tinnitus (Tinnitus is the medical term for “hearing” noises in your ears when there is no outside source of the sounds. The noises you hear can be soft or loud. They may sound like ringing, blowing, roaring, buzzing, hissing, humming, whistling, or sizzling.) This creates big problem for my husband since he is a musician. He also has Tendinitis in his wrists (Tendinitis is inflammation, irritation, and swelling of a tendon, which is the fibrous structure that joins muscle to bone.) and it causes so much pain sometimes that my husband can’t use his hands. I pray that the Lord takes away these diseases, takes away the pain and discomfort from my sweet man, but as Stormie writes,

“Remember, however, that even though we pray and have faith, the outcome and timing are God’s decisions. He says there is ‘a time to heal’ (Ecclesiastes 3:3). If you pray for healing and nothing happens, don’t beat yourself up for it. God sometimes uses a man’s physical ailments to get his attention so He can speak to him. Keep praying, but know God’s decision is the bottom line.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Pages 104,105)

I understand how hard it can be to pray for healing and have God answer with a response we don’t want. I’ve been praying for healing for myself for over 11 years. God’s answer has always been “no” and it’s so difficult at times. I write this because it’s easy to give advice about praying for healing when it doesn’t intimately affect you, so I want you to know that what I write comes from a place of quiet desperation for healing, for both myself and my husband. We do our very best to take care of our bodies because we know so much of our health is due to living in a fallen world and I feel that I am responsible to doing everything I can to live as healthy as possible and keep on keepin’ on when God’s answer for healing is “no”. I am praying the Lord gives you comfort in those times when you so desperately want good health for your husbands and it just isn’t happening whether it’s due to your husband’s choices or just living in this world where sickness and disease is a sad reality. Keep praying, keep seeking the Lord, keep keepin’ on. 🙂

“Lord, I pray for Your healing touch on (husband’s name) Make every part of his body function the way you designed it to. Wherever there is anything out of balance, set it in perfect working order. Heal him of any disease, illness, injury, infirmity, or weakness. Strengthen his body to successfully endure his workload, and when he sleeps may he awake completely rested, rejuvenated and refreshed. give him a strong heart that doesn’t fail. I don’t want him to have heart failure at any time. I pray that he will have the desire to take care of his body, to eat the kind of food that brings health, to get regular exercise and avoid anything that would be harmful to him. Help him to understand that his body is Your temple and he should care for it as such (1 Corinthians 3:16). I pray that he will present it as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to You (Romans 12:1).” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, pages 104,105)