The last few days I have been thinking a lot about how I lived my life before I was disabled. I was so active. I was a cheerleader, I played basketball, volleyball and I loved to run. I enjoyed bowling, tennis, miniature golf, and skating. Those things have now been replaced with writing, drawing, painting, reading, watching TV and surfing the internet, things that don’t require me to get out of my seat and into the real world. I really miss doing the things I used to do.
I make it a point not to feel sorry for myself, or complain, but tonight, I want to reminisce and say, “It’s just not fair!” The pain is so bad right now. My hip is so swollen and every step is starting to be excruciating. My back feels like it is on fire and I have to concentrate really hard to do the simplest task – the pain is so distracting. It could be the Tylenol with Codeine talking, but tonight I’m just going to let it!
I miss the feeling of running down the basketball court and making a lay-up. I miss diving for a volleyball and skinning my knees on the hardwood floor. I miss holding hands with my sweetheart as we go round and round the roller skating rink. I miss playing miniature golf and having to fish my ball out of the pond next to the windmill. I miss running – feeling out of breath and pushing my body as far as it can go.
I don’t think that I will ever be able to do those things again, not in this life. But I know my God and I know how much He loves me. I bet there is mini golf in Heaven. I bet running on the streets of gold is going to be so great. But for now, I ask “Why?”, I get tired of needing the wheel chair on every outing and hoping there is a handicap spot open. I hate relying on other people to clean my house and do my laundry. I just want to feel like myself – It’s been 10 years since I have felt carefree. I want to be pain-free. I want to be active and spend time doing sports and activities with my husband. I don’t want to wake up every morning and wonder if it is the last day I will be able to walk.
Why do things have to be so hard? When will I get relief? Do I have to wait until Heaven?