Today is Mother’s Day. I have been busy planning my mom’s birthday brunch for the last couple of weeks, so I don’t think I really realized Mother’s Day was coming so soon. Friday I started thinking about it and the emotions (and tears) began!
This morning my alarm went off at 5:45 and the tightness was already there in my chest. We got ready for church, got in the car, and the tears began. I told Mike he needed to be really close to me today or I wasn’t sure I would make it through. Mike played for first service at church, while I stayed in the choir room, then we went to Subway for breakfast. As I was paying for our breakfast, I got the question every longing-to-be-a-mother woman dreads on Mother’s Day.
Subway employee: “Are you a mom?”
Subway employee: “Oh… ’cause I was going to say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’.”
Me: “Umm, yeah, I’m not a mom.”
We ate our breakfast and headed back to church. Second service was a little harder than the first. Today our church, as I am sure many churches did, had a baby dedication. I saw a friend who struggled for infertility for 9 years and was dedicating her perfect new son. I gave her a big hug and told her Happy Mother’s Day. When I pulled away, I saw in her eyes that she understood what I was feeling. Pastor talked about how children are a blessing from the Lord, and that the fruit of the womb is a reward. As I sat through the babies and their parents and extended family being called up to the front of the stage, accompanied by the darling little babies’ pictures up on the screen, my silent pleading began.
Me: “Why Lord? Why won’t you give us a child? How long does my heart have to feel like it is crumbling in my chest? Why do all of these people get children, but we don’t? Why reward them with an open womb and not me? Is it something I did? Please Lord, please.”
Pastor had all of the moms stand so we could honor them. I clapped along with everyone else as the tears rolled down my face. He prayed for the moms and I can genuinely say I prayed with him, thanking God for them asking God to bless them.
At the end of Pastor’s prayer I slipped out the side door and into the bathroom. I couldn’t control my sobbing. I felt angry, helpless, and incredibly heartbroken. A poor woman came into the bathroom and asked if I was ok. Through my sobs I just said that Mother’s Day was a hard day for me. I told her we had been trying for a long time. She did what a lot of well-meaning people do talking to someone with infertility. She told me a story about friends who tried for a long time and almost gave up hope, but then they got pregnant! Yippee!!! Whooo Hoooo!!! Fireworks go off in the sky above! —For those of you well-meaning people, please don’t do this. It does not bring us comfort. It is just another reminder that God has given them a child, and not us. I understand you feel awkward and don’t really know what to say. Just hug us. Tell us you will be praying for us. Don’t tell us it will happen when we stop trying so hard and relax. Don’t tell us that we’re still young. Don’t tell us a story. Please. It doesn’t help.
I composed myself, grabbed a wad of toilet paper and sticking it in my pocket for later tears, I went back into the choir room. Worship finished and we headed over to our Sunday school class. I sat through the class in a daze and my wonderful husband kept his hand on my arm or leg the whole time.
Third service was as hard as the second service. I didn’t really want to sit through another baby dedication, but our friends Jody and Jeff were dedicating their new daughter and I wanted to be supportive and pray for them. I cried through the whole thing, crying out to God to answer. Again, nothing. As Jody was walking back to her seat, she saw me and asked how I was doing….she knew I was a mess. I snuck out the side door again and waited in the choir room for Mike to finish worship. Third service was spent in the choir room trying to ignore Pastor’s sermon on Hannah and Mary. Jody was there with her daughter and I was able to hold the baby and love on her. It helped to ease my pain. Jody also mentioned she was thinking about asking me to babysit her baby when she went on a retreat. She told me she hadn’t even asked her husband about it, and she didn’t know if it was even possible with my work schedule, that it was just a thought she had. She then told me that she wouldn’t trust many people to keep the baby for 2 nights, but that she trusted me. I can’t begin to tell you how her words were salve on my aching heart. She will never know how much those words meant to me, how the Lord used her words to reassure me I would be a good mom.
After church was over for the day, around 12:30p.m., we headed to have lunch with Mike’s mom and family. I enjoyed lunch with them and then dinner with my mom and family. I talked with my mom and sister about church and kind of how I was feeling, but I knew I really couldn’t get into it without losing it again. When we got home from dinner, Mike gave me a hug and told me I did good today. I made it through. I truly hope my mom and mother-in-law felt special and I am praying that they know how much they are loved. But I have to say, I am so relieved for this day to be over. Now I have 365 days to prepare for next Mother’s Day. I am praying for a miracle, that God would give us the blessing of a child, that He would open my womb and heal the heartbreak I feel everyday, but if He doesn’t, I know His plan for us is good, He loves us with an everlasting love, and He will carry us through the storms of this life until we get to go Home.