Mike started Seminary this week. It has not been all that bad for me since he still has not gone back to work, but tomorrow is the day he goes back.
I have such mixed feelings. I am sort of excited to get my normal routine back, seeing my mom, sister and brother more, but I am going to miss Mike so much. He will be going to school full-time, working a full-time job, working a part-time job and teaching 3 lessons a week. I feel exhausted just thinking about it! This rigorous schedule does not leave much time for me. That makes me incredibly sad. I have been dreading tomorrow pretty much all summer. We have had such a great time together, sleeping in, hanging out, actually eating meals together. But it really all ends tomorrow, and the craziness that is our life begins.
I know he is supposed to be in school. I know he has to study and read and then study some more….and then read some more. I know the call the Lord has put on his life. Knowing all of that doesn’t really help the tightness in my chest, feeling so alone, waking up alone, eating alone and going to bed alone.
I try to be the supportive wife, but in my own strength I fail miserably. I end up feeling neglected and mad at him for having so many jobs and so much school work. He is the best husband I could ask for and he, by the grace of God, balances his schedule pretty well. I know I couldn’t do it. I admire him so much.
I need the Lord’s help to get through this time in our lives. Having Mike gone so much gives me time, oftentimes too much, to think about my life and how it has not turned out the way I expected. I am so blessed to have Mike as my husband, and my life not being what I expected has absolutely nothing to do with him. He is a great provider, such a hard worker, so I don’t have to work, but sometimes I get upset that even if I wanted to have a full-time job, my body won’t allow me. I sit in the house all day and it is so quiet, it is a constant reminder God has not given us the gift, the precious, begged for, gift of children. Sometimes the fatigue and pain I feel keep me from doing housework and feeling productive. This summer has been amazing because if I didn’t have the energy to clean or do laundry, that was ok, Mike and I would just hang out all day. I didn’t think about being childless so much when Mike was constantly by my side. Now that he is going to be gone, that distraction is not there for me.
Tonight I went to the Griffith’s going away party. They are starting a church in North Carolina. As Kathy was talking about how faithful the Lord is and how He will reveal His plan step by step as we take those steps in faith, I could feel the wonderful stirring in my soul. I feel that the Lord wants us to plant a church. I am not sure where or when, but I feel it so deep in me that I have committed to pray for it everyday -praying that God would reveal His plan as we take those steps of faith. And one thing I realized this evening is that Mike going to Seminary and me staying home and supporting him is a step of faith for me. I am having faith that the Lord will carry and sustain Mike though his crazy, taxing schedule, keeping him healthy. I am trusting the Lord will be my constant companion. So, this time of waiting and seeking the Lord about our future is a step of faith in and of itself.
On my way home tonight, the song below came on the radio and really ministered to me. I hope that as you take your steps of faith, this song speaks to you also.