Let me start this by letting you know that the pain makes my brain pretty fuzzy, so if none of this makes sense, forgive me! I feel the need to get some feelings out on “paper”.
I am just about in the middle of my 19th week- half way there! The last couple of weeks have been agonizing. The back pain I am experiencing is debilitating and thinking about another 4 1/2 months of this is scary and overwhelming. I see my doctor this morning for a regular check up and once again I will ask him if there is any medication I can take besides Tylenol for the pain. I would never want to do anything to put Samuel at risk, but with the pain I am in, I am wondering if the pain and stress my body is experiencing now would be worse than taking something.
Being completely dependent on people is one of the most difficult things in the world for me. I like to be the one who does everything, helps everyone. Not being able to even move on my own, to turn over or walk to the bathroom by myself is a struggle emotionally, not to mention physically! I have had so many people offer to help me, but I only feel comfortable with my mom and sister helping me. I would hate for someone to come into my home and think ill of me because it’s a mess. I know this is ridiculous since I can’t even move, but still, the pride creeps in and I refuse help. The Lord is working on me with this. As a woman, I want to alway appear presentable and able. Unfortunately, I’m neither on most days!
Another thing I am struggling with is my relationship with Mike. He is such a good caretaker. He helps me try to get comfortable and brings me anything that I need. When the pain is this bad, I don’t feel like myself. I am not talkative, I tend to turn inward and want to be alone. I hate that I push him away, but I feel myself doing it unintentionally. I want to be a wife, not a patient. I am also working on this.
It’s funny how when you have no choice but to be quite, the Lord shows you so much! He has shown me quite a few sins and shortcomings that I need to work on, but He has also showed me how blessed I am. I am sure I’m biased, but I am married to the most incredible man, I am carrying a miracle inside of me, and I have the best family in the world. I am so thankful for the blessings in my life; the pain does blind me to them at times. Learning to get through the pain and into the wonderful things in my life feels like crawling through mud. Fighting the depression and helplessness that accompanies chronic pain is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. Those of you who deal with a chronic illness know exactly what I’m talking about!
I worry people think I’m complaining when I talk about my pain, but I think that being honest about my struggles may help someone else who is struggling with similar feelings. I think people need to be more open about things like this. What I would give to have someone tell me that they feel the things I feel sometimes. We all struggle with something. Life isn’t easy – for anyone. We have an obligation to lift one another up and encourage one another to press on towards the goal, to keep our eyes on Jesus. I pray everyday that God uses my chronic pain to His glory.
There are a few ways that find meaning and comfort in the times when I feel like I’m barely treading water. One of them is writing notes to people. If I am helping someone else, then I don’t notice the pain so much. Another thing I do is pray for people. I have a unique opportunity to be home all the time not be able to move. I know that God can use that. If I can’t be out in the world being used, the Lord will use me right where I am. I also read my Bible a lot. I find much comfort in the Psalms. In the times when David was being hunted down by Saul, he poured out his agony on paper and it encourages me. He starts many psalms much like this post, feeling helpless and hopeless, but ends them with acknowledging the power of his God, the greatness of our Creator and Sustainer. Here is one of my favorites.
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
I am praying the Lord uses my babbling to His glory. Although I feel that the enemy of pain is exalted over me most of the time, I trust in His steadfast love. I may be shaken, but my heart rejoices in His salvation because He has indeed dealt bountifully with me.