I have been contemplative lately. I have been thinking about lasts and firsts.
It started with baking cookie for Easter. My mom, sister and I have done this for as long as I can remember. This year, when I woke up on baking day, I felt excited and sad at the same time. I was excited to be sharing this special tradition with them, but also sad that this would be the last time I would experience it without having Samuel split my attention. Then a couple of days later, Mike and I went to Costco for a few things and we ate pizza in the food court. It could be the hormones, but I teared up thinking that this little Costco outing might be our last time enjoying pizza together there without Samuel.
Each evening as Mike and I sit down for dinner, I wonder if that will be our last dinner together without Samuel. I know there will be times when Mike and I will get a sitter and go out together alone, but I am sure our minds will wander to Samuel, texting the sitter to make sure everything is ok, knowing he is fine but thinking that we should probably get home. When I take my morning shower, I have been taking just a little longer, knowing it could be my last uninterrupted shower for a long time….funny that even now, Samuel invades my thoughts all the time. Seems like especially lately, I can’t go even a few minutes without thinking of him.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so looking forward to meeting our son (especially at 38 weeks, feeling like a Gigantisaurus, waddling through my days). I can’t wait to hold him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. But, I know when he decides to arrive our lives will be changed forever.
Although I feel emotional about the lasts, I am definitely looking forward to all of the firsts, the first time I see him (Will he have hair? What color? Or will he be bald??), the first time I hold him (how much will he weigh?? Will he be skinny or a little chubster?), the first time I nurse him (Can I really do this??). I am looking forward to seeing the look on Mike’s face when he meets Samuel for the first time, looking forward to learning how to be parents, knowing we will make mistakes but praying that God’s grace covers our family.
Yes, I feel sad for the lasts, but overjoyed at the firsts we will experience. Maybe today will be the last day without our precious baby boy! I sure hope so!