Some days the pain makes my sad. Most days it makes me tired. Today? Well, today I feel angry.
Last night I laid down in my bed and make it about 5 minutes before I had to get up, go to the medicine drawer and find something strong enough to dull the pain enough for me to fall asleep. This morning I woke up and the pain was still there; it’s always there, sometimes reminding me to pray, to fully lean on the Lord to get through my daily tasks. Today it taunted me. I could feel it laughing in my face. As I sat up and tried to stretch, my breath caught. I prayed Samuel wouldn’t get up any time soon; I could not lift his little body out of his crib. I thought about the things I would like to get done today – laundry, packing away Samuel’s too-small clothes, picking up our bedroom, taking a walk, playing on the floor with Samuel. I don’t think many of those things are going to happen. I often wonder if Samuel will remember his childhood with me always on the couch and that breaks my heart.
Even as I sit here, the pain radiates through my neck and shoulders down my arms and my wrists ache from typing. My nose hurts, so do my ankles and of course my lower back. I want to punch something. If I knew it wouldn’t cause me more pain, I probably would. Today I’m not asking “why me?” or feeling sorry for myself. Oh, I have those days, but not today. Today I don’t want to ignore the pain, or push through it, I just want it to go away. I had a dream the other night that I was at the park running with Samuel on the grass. It was wonderful! Unfortunately, it’s not reality. Mike will be the fun parent, and I’ll be nurturing one. And that makes me mad.
I know most of my posts are positive and encouraging. Today it’s negative – and real and raw and honest. I hate the pain. I hate that I hate it and that some days I can’t accept that this is the plan God has for my life. I want to be healthy and whole. I want to run with my son and do a load of laundry without getting exhausted.
I may get some backlash from this post, people telling me to count my blessings or that the pain isn’t God’s plan for my life and I just need to speak healing into my life (Yes, I hear it all the time.), but that’s ok, because there may be one other person feeling the same way I am today and if this post reminds them they are not alone, then I’ll take the backlash. You are not alone. And tomorrow we may feel completely different, ready to take on the world and kick pain’s butt. But right now, I’m going to grab another cup of coffee, curl up on the couch and watch The X-Factor. And that’s ok.
Thanks for letting me vent.