After I gave birth to Samuel, I made Mike promise me that if I started taking about wanting another baby, he had to talk me out of it and remind me that I never wanted to be pregnant again. My pregnancy was tough because of my preexisting back issues and my labor and delivery was a nightmare- 27 hours of labor, a third degree tear, infections for both Samuel and me, and a good 6 weeks before I was able to just sit without pain. I never wanted to do that again. I was adamant.
Fast forward two years. My body had healed from the delivery (well, mostly) and my heart began to change. I told Mike I wanted another child. He reminded me of what I had said and talked me out of it, just as I had asked. But the aching in my heart persisted and I brought it up to him again and told him I had changed my mind. He worries so much about my health already, adding another pregnancy, and after 9 months, a child to the mix, really freaks him out.
The desire did not go away so we began praying about whether or not we should stop using birth control. I have infertility issues and conceiving again would be a miracle (just like the first time), so we stopped using birth control and left it up to The Lord. That was 9 months ago. I’m still not pregnant and we continue to trust The Lord with our desires.
However, the past few weeks have been very hard for me. I’ve found out that three friends are pregnant- just this week, as well as watching my sister’s belly grow as my new niece grows inside of her. My heart has hurt so much today.
When I realized I wasn’t pregnant this month, I felt a mixture of disappointment and relief. Disappointment because I do want another child, I want Samuel to have a sibling to grow up with; relief because I could take a pain pill when my back went a little crazy and I needed strong pain relief, which led me to feeling disappointed again because my body is so messed up.
I am so incredibly thankful for Samuel. He is truly a miracle and brings us so much joy. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting another child because God has already given us Samuel and I have friends who so desperately want to have a child. Who am I to ask for another one? And then I feel upset because I have friends who have lots of children and I wonder why God has only given us one. It’s a tangle of many emotions!
I’m not exactly sure why I even wrote this post, maybe to get it all off my chest, maybe I’m hoping someone reads this and knows they are not alone when they too feel tangled in mixed emotions when it comes to their infertility and the feelings of injustice. Either way, I’ll end with this- I am choosing to trust The Lord with my family and future even when it’s painful.