Living in chronic pain is exhausting- not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Obviously pain makes physical things harder. Every movement is difficult. Washing my hair, my shoulders and neck burn and ache. Bending down to put socks and shoes on, my back strains and sharp pain radiates into my legs. Picking Simeon up, helping Samuel get dressed, every movement reminds me of how broken my body is. There are times when the housework and cooking I really love to do, feels not only like a chore, but it mocks me and reminds me of my inadequacies.
Being in chronic pain reduces my mental abilities. I forget things, I am distracted, overwhelmed easily, impatient, irritated. Concentrating on a single thing takes so much work that it’s easier to scroll through Facebook than engage with my children and husband. How awful is that to even write? I am working on this constantly. I want to be present. But like I said before, it’s exhausting.
Emotionally, I struggle with depression and anxiety, a constant nagging that I can never do enough, I will never be enough. These feelings are magnified on my bad pain days, days when I can’t fold laundry without becoming extremely fatigued, when chopping veggies for dinner leaves my shoulders and arms throbbing, when I snap at Samuel for doing normal kid stuff. I feel so discouraged and I wonder if I’m equipped to be my boys’ mom; if my impatience will mess them up.
Sometimes God feels far away, I wonder why He’s allowed me to be in pain for so long. I get angry that He chooses not to heal me. Most days I accept that this is His will for me, but there are some days, some moments, when I feel like He has forsaken me. I wonder how He can ever use my pain for His glory. Surely a healthy body would help me to minister more effectively. I would be able to be at church more, participate in more ministries, minister to my husband and family better. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. I want to encourage people, but I feel so discouraged. I have nothing to give.
Even now as I type this, my legs are on fire, they feel like they are vibrating, they are throbbing all the way down to my toes. My arms are cramping because I’m moving my fingers. My shoulders ache so badly and it’s hard to move my head around. How can this be what is best for me? How can this be what He wants for me?
Most of my posts end with a silver lining, a “But God” epiphany, but tonight I’m going to leave it just the way it is. I’m too exhausted for anything else.