When things are good, it’s easy to be transparent. But not so much when things are hard. I wonder if people will think I am complaining, or not trusting God. I worry that I will bug people and I start to feel insecure.
But writing out my thoughts and feelings and sharing them with people is therapeutic, so here goes.
I am struggling. Winter brings cold weather and cold weather brings me an incredible amount of pain. I look mostly ok at church, and that’s because church thankfully happens at the best, least painful part of my day. But mornings and evenings are a different story.
When I wake up, the pain hits me like a bus. It hurts when I move, but it also hurts when I don’t move. I have a series of stretches I do in bed so I’m able to get out of bed and walk to the bathroom, then to the coffee maker (so important! 🙂), then to the microwave to heat up a rice bag and finally to the couch to sit with the heat until my body slowly loosens up). But this is rarely a smooth process when you add two young boys to the mix. Simeon needs helping using the bathroom, Samuel is still learning how to get his own breakfast, I have to play referee when the boys intentionally irritate one another. My body longs to sleep because that’s the only time I don’t feel the pain. I get snappy and weepy and sometimes I feel panic because I can’t get rid of the pain.
Nights are even worse. It’s hard for me to even explain how hard the nights are. I feel tormented by the pain. Mike has to help me to bed some nights. I don’t have the strength or energy to talk or even open my eyes sometimes in the evenings. My mind is so tired from keeping it together all day. My body is exhausted from normal life stuff.
I feel defeated and alone because not many young mamas can relate. Friends and family try to understand and I am so thankful, but I do feel alone.
The pain affects me in so many ways.
Physically, I’m having a harder and harder time walking, my legs and knees ache, then the nerve pain feels like I’m being electrocuted or stabbed. There is sharp pain in my lower back any time I bend. The fatigue has been coming more and more quickly lately.
Mentally and emotionally I am exhausted. Pain does that to you. I feel “less than” so much if the time because I see what I miss out on- being active with my family, being able to have easy conversation because I forget words and can’t get my thoughts out of my brain and into my mouth. I know the pain and brain fog affect how I parent and I grieve the mama I would be without the pain.
Spiritually, I struggle in secret. I love the Lord with all my heart, but the pain and God’s choice not to heal me is like the elephant in the room. I pretend it isn’t there but when I stop and think about it, I question God’s goodness. I feel awful just typing that. It’s like my heart and mind can’t comprehend how a good God can love me, see my pain, hear my cries and choose not to heal me. I have to daily choose what I know is truth instead of what I feel- abandoned and unloved. That really messes with a person whose faith is the most important thing in her life.
See how transparency is so difficult for me?? I don’t want people to think less of me, love me less.
But, I know I can’t possibly be the only person feeling this way, right? We all go through stuff that makes us question, makes us struggle. We all want people to think the best of us. But we can never cultivate real, deep relationships without transparency. We all want to be known, really known. But it’s scary to be honest and show the unpresentable parts of myself. But if I don’t ever show the broken, hurting parts of me, I will always feel alone. And I don’t want that.
One of the purposes of the church is to encourage one another(1 Thes. 5:11), comfort one another (2 Cor. 1:4), help bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), so I’m typing this now with boldness, trusting that God will take my fumbling words and transparency to encourage others to reach out when they struggle (send me a message ANY time and I will pray with you and for you!!!), to be more compassionate because we never really know what’s going on in someone’s life and remind people to pray for one another.