Category Archives: Thoughts

Exhausted

Living in chronic pain is exhausting- not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Obviously pain makes physical things harder. Every movement is difficult. Washing my hair, my shoulders and neck burn and ache. Bending down to put socks and shoes on, my back strains and sharp pain radiates into my legs. Picking Simeon up, helping Samuel get dressed, every movement reminds me of how broken my body is. There are times when the housework and cooking I really love to do, feels not only like a chore, but it mocks me and reminds me of my inadequacies. 

Being in chronic pain reduces my mental abilities. I forget things, I am distracted, overwhelmed easily, impatient, irritated. Concentrating on a single thing takes so much work that it’s easier to scroll through Facebook than engage with my children and husband. How awful is that to even write? I am working on this constantly. I want to be present. But like I said before, it’s exhausting.

Emotionally, I struggle with depression and anxiety, a constant nagging that I can never do enough, I will never be enough. These feelings are magnified on my bad pain days, days when I can’t fold laundry without becoming extremely fatigued, when chopping veggies for dinner leaves my shoulders and arms throbbing, when I snap at Samuel for doing normal kid stuff. I feel so discouraged and I wonder if I’m equipped to be my boys’ mom; if my impatience will mess them up. 

Sometimes God feels far away, I wonder why He’s allowed me to be in pain for so long. I get angry that He chooses not to heal me. Most days I accept that this is His will for me, but there are some days, some moments, when I feel like He has forsaken me. I wonder how He can ever use my pain for His glory. Surely a healthy body would help me to minister more effectively. I would be able to be at church more, participate in more ministries, minister to my husband and family better. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense to me. I want to encourage people, but I feel so discouraged. I have nothing to give.

Even now as I type this, my legs are on fire, they feel like they are vibrating, they are throbbing all the way down to my toes. My arms are cramping because I’m moving my fingers. My shoulders ache so badly and it’s hard to move my head around. How can this be what is best for me? How can this be what He wants for me? 

 

Most of my posts end with a silver lining, a “But God” epiphany,  but tonight I’m going to leave it just the way it is. I’m too exhausted for anything else.

As Fit As I Can Be

One year ago in June, I pulled my groin and quad because I worked out with a personal trainer – once- and I obviously pushed my poor body too hard, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. It was one week after working out with the trainer that I was under Samuel’s highchair cleaning up his tossed dinner when I got up from kneeling and felt something pull in my leg. I could have sworn I audibly heard it tear. It was sickening and Mike got me to a chair and we put ice on it, but the damage was done. It took close to $500, lots of ice, heat and Motrin, physical therapy, an MRI and almost 6 months before I was able to work out again. Lesson learned…. or so I thought….

 

I have been feeling pretty terrible lately, fibromyalgia-wise. I notice though that when I work out consistently, the pain, anxiety and depression are far less than if I stayed home and did nothing. This week I went to the gym 4 days and either walked on the treadmill or “ran” on the elliptical. I was feeling great! I had more energy, my debilitating pain was now just annoying and tiring.

 

A few weeks ago, Mike started a fitness challenge group with a workout program called T25 from Beachbody. It’s a workout that you do at home while watching some videos. My girlfriends and I are going on a girls’ getaway in August and have all committed to losing 10 pounds before then. Mike thought it would be fun if we all did this workout program together. We start on Monday so Mike decided to preview it last night. I was excited to see the modified moves and wondered if I would be able to keep up. I started the workout with him, making sure to watch the girl doing all of the low impact modifications. I made it 17 minutes into the 25 minute video. Then my leg and groin started to ache. I immediately stopped and put ice on it. Fifteen minutes passed and I felt like I had injured myself just like last year. I went to bed crying, not because of the pain (I deal with pain all the time, I’m a champ! LOL); it was because of the disappointment and fear I felt.

 

You see, I want to be fit, like really fit. I LOVE working out. I would workout hard every single day if my body let me. But it doesn’t. I have tried running, yoga, workout videos. The only exercise I can do it walking or the elliptical (some days, if my shoulders will let me. Sometimes I can’t move my arms because of the pain.) The rest leave me in more pain, sometimes pain that lasts months. It’s extremely disappointing.

 

I’m thankful to be able to walk for exercise. I wasn’t supposed to be walking, period. But there is this desire in me to be more, do more. And my body just says no.

 

This morning my leg and groin are feeling a little better. I’m going to take it super easy today and maybe even skip the gym this week to let it heal. I know that will cause my fibro pain, anxiety and depression to rise again. It’s a terrible cycle. My heart breaks every time it happens and I feel hopeless. This happened a couple weeks ago. I had a swollen and painful lymph node and wasn’t able to work out. This caused a huge fibromyalgia flare. I was just coming out of it and then this happened. Sigh….

 

I guess I just needed to vent and write about how I felt. Mike can only say “I’m sorry, Babe” so many times. I hate that he hurts so much when i’m hurting. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world; he knows how disappointed I am. I was telling him last night that I’m so sad that I’ll never be as fit as I want to be. He replied with “But you can be as fit as you can be.”

 

My goal this week is to focus on that. Do everything I can to be as fit as I can be. Focus on the fact that I can do something; some people are not able to do anything. Some people are able to do it all and still choose to do nothing. If this week all I can do it walk, then I’ll walk. If all I can do it rest and ice, then I will rest and ice. And I’ll do my very best to stay positive.

 

The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Trials

“Everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes our prayers help us to avoid them. Sometimes not. It’s the attitude we have when we go through them that matters the most. If we are fulled with anger and bitterness, or insist on complaining and blaming God, things tend to turn out badly. If we go through them with thankfulness and praise to God, He promises to bring good things despite them. He says to ‘count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience’ (James 1:2,3).” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Page 111)

 

If you ask my husband what trials he has gone through, he might mention a couple he’s had in his whole life. This is not because his life has been free from trials, but because he has such a great attitude when hard things come his way that they don’t even register as a blip on the trialometer (yes, I just made that up). He is a very go-with-the-flow kind of guy. He may complain of an inconvenience every once in a while, but not often at all.

A couple weeks ago at work, he started getting a migraine, which he gets kind of frequently, so he went out to his car to get his migraine medicine and as he was leaning into the passenger side to grab the box, a lady side swiped his car and her side mirror hit his driver’s side mirror and knocked the glass to the ground. She did pull over and stop, but didn’t have insurance. After dealing with the mirror and the migraine, he called me and said, “Babe, I’m having a hard day. I’m going to lay down in my classroom until I have to head over to do worship for youth group. Thank God I got into my car on the passenger’s side. She would have killed me if I was on the other side!” That was the extent of his complaining. I would have been a mess! A migraine and getting my car hit would have pushed my into a whineathon (Wow, I’m on a roll today with the made up words!) 

I prayed for my husband and he was able to do worship for youth group and the migraine went away for the most part. His attitude when trials come reminds me to count it all joy. He was so thankful for God’s protection (which I pray for often!) that he really didn’t get upset about the trial.

Now I do realize this was a little trial. We have not had to go through any major trials besides some of my medical problems and chronic pain, but I am sure that his attitude would be the same. I’d like to think that it’s all my prayers for his trials that make that true, but I think it’s just a gift God has given him. 

I think the fact that we have not gone through many big trials is, in part, because I cover my husband in prayer about all of the other things in this book- his work, his finances, his sexuality, his temptation, his mind. Sometimes trials just happen because we live in a fallen world with sinful people, but many times trials come because we bring them on ourselves because of the poor decisions we make or the company we associate with. I pray for my husband to have wisdom in all the areas in his life, especially all the things men tend to struggle with the most, like pride, sexual temptation, self reliance. Keep praying for your husband’s trials, but pray for all the other areas in his life too and you may not need to pray for his trials as much. 

 

I love what Stormie says about trials-

 

“Trials can be a purifying fire and a cleansing water. You don’t have to your husband to get burned or drowned; you want him to get refined and renewed.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 114)

 

We can play a big part in that! Keep praying for, supporting and encouraging your husbands!

 

 

The Power Of A Praying Wife -His Protection

“Our husbands are on the battlefield every day. There are dangers everywhere. Only God knows what traps the enemy has laid to bring accidents, diseases, evil , violence, and destruction into our lives. Few places are safe anymore, including your own home. But God has said that even though ‘The wicked watches the righteous, and seeks to slay him, the Lord will not leave him in his hand’ (Psalm 37:23,33). He promises that He will be ‘a shield to those who put their trust in Him’ (Proverbs 30:5). He can even be a shield to someone we pray about because of our faith.” (The Power of A Praying Wife, Page 107)

I pray for my husband’s protection every single day. Now this does not come from my holiness, but from my anxiety. I am constantly afraid that my husband is going to get into a car accident on his way home, or that someone is going to rob him at the bank while he deposits his checks after teaching music lessons at night. My anxiety about losing my husband used to be worse. When we were first married, if he was even 5 minutes late coming home from work my mind would start imagining the worse. By the time my poor husband walked through the door, I would be a mess, usually in tears and mad at him for not calling me to say he was going to be late. Most of the time it was traffic or a taking a phone call when he was sitting in the drive was when he got home that caused the delay. No car accident, no major head trauma, no gun shot wounds. Just life.

It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes the fear of losing him will creep up at night when I’m waiting for him to get home. His schedule can be a little irregular and he could be an hour earlier or later than I expect. He is usually so good to call and let me know what is going on, but sometimes it slips his mind. (I pray for the Lord to remind him to call me too!)

It’s funny that at this very moment, my husband just came into our room where I’m writing and says he’s going for a run to end his workout. It’s almost 9:30 pm. I still get a little anxious when I think about what could happen. But the Lord has been impressing on my heart to trust Him with my husband’s life. My husband also just said, “I’ll only be gone like six minutes. I’m going to leave my phone here.” The look on my face must have changed his mind because he grabbed his phone and smiled at me before he closed the door.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if God protected us from anything that could harm us?! I would never have to keep watching my clock to see when six minutes have passed!

But there are times when God doesn’t protect us from the evil around us. Bad things happen. I love what Stormie writes about this in this chapter.

“But accidents do happen, even to godly people and when they do they are sudden and unexpected. That’s why prayer for your husband’s protection needs to be frequent and ongoing. You never know when it might be needed in the battle field. And if something happens, you’ll have the comfort of knowing you’ve invited God’s presence and power into the midst of it.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Page 108)

That last sentence brings me such peace. When I read it I feel God’s peace wash over me and I feel calm. He is ultimately in control of my husbands safety and I have to trust Him. He is worthy of my trust.

 

 

Starting Again

So, it’s been a while. Ok, a long while. To be honest, I’m not really sure what happened. Life happened, I guess. Toddlerhood happened. My Etsy shop happened. I realized I’m only good at doing a couple things at once and my blog has been left on the back burner. And it makes me sad. I love writing and sharing my heart and I don’t really feel like myself if I’m not writing. So, I’d like to start blogging again more consistently. It’s going to be hard since life happens all. the. time. It’s funny that way.

 

My son will be three next month and as much fun as it is to be home with him everyday, he sucks all the life out of me. 🙂 I go and go and go all day and when I put him into bed and walk back down the hall, my body hurts so much that I either use my rice bags and apply heat to all my sore spots or I ice everything, or I take a pain pill and go to bed. My son gave up napping, and although he does “quiet time”, he is rarely ever quiet, so it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than laundry or dishes or picking up his million toys. But I do want to write and I have to make a commitment to it.

 

I realized I never finished my series on The Power of A Praying Wife, by Stormie O’Martian, so that will be the first thing I will tackle. Thanks for being understanding and sticking with me! Stay tuned for a new post!

Choosing To Trust

After I gave birth to Samuel, I made Mike promise me that if I started taking about wanting another baby, he had to talk me out of it and remind me that I never wanted to be pregnant again. My pregnancy was tough because of my pre-existing back issues and my labor and delivery was a nightmare- 27 hours of labor, a third degree tear, infections for both Samuel and me, and a good 6 weeks before I was able to just sit without pain. I never wanted to do that again. I was adamant.

Fast forward two years. My body had healed from the delivery (well, mostly) and my heart began to change. I told Mike I wanted another child. He reminded me of what I had said and talked me out of it, just as I had asked. But the aching in my heart persisted and I brought it up to him again and told him I had changed my mind. He worries so much about my health already, adding another pregnancy, and after 9 months, a child to the mix really freaks him out.

The desire did not go away so we began praying about whether or not I should stop using birth control. I have infertility issues and getting pregnant again would be a miracle (just like the first time), so we stopped using birth control and left it up to The Lord. That was 9 months ago. I’m still not pregnant and we continue to trust The Lord with our desires.

However, the past few weeks have been very hard for me. I’ve found out that three friends are pregnant- just this week, as well as watching my sister’s belly grow as my new niece grows and developed inside of her. My heart has hurt so much today.

When I realized I wasn’t pregnant this month, I felt a mixture of disappointment and relief. Disappointment because I do want another child, I want Samuel to have a sibling to grow up with; relief because I could take a pain pill when my back went a little crazy and I needed strong pain relief, which led me to feeling disappointed again because my body is so messed up.

I am so incredibly thankful for Samuel. He is truly a miracle and brings us so much joy. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting another child because God has already given us Samuel and I have friends who so desperately want to have a child. Who am I to ask for another one? And then I feel upset because I have friends who have lots of children and I wonder why God has only given us one. It’s a tangle of many emotions!

I’m not exactly sure why I even wrote this post, maybe to get it all off my chest, maybe I’m hoping someone reads this and knows they are not alone when they too feel tangled in mixed emotions when it comes to their infertility and the feelings of injustice. Either way, I’ll end with this- I am choosing to trust The Lord with my family and future even when it’s painful.

The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Health

“For years my husband cared little about exercise. I would give lectures and meaningful talks, leave magazine articles in his path, and plead and cry about how I didn’t want to be a widow, but it all fell on glazed eyes and deaf ears. Then one day I got the brilliant idea that if praying worked for other parts of his life, it might work for this, too. I decided to employ my ‘shut up and pray’ method and ask God to give him the desire to exercise regular. I prayed for a number of month without any results, but then one morning I heard an unfamiliar noise coming from another room. I followed the sound and much to my amazement, it was my husband on the treadmill. I didn’t say a word. He has been using the treadmill and lifting weights about three days a week ever since.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 103)

I could have written this passage. When my husband and I were first dating, he weighed 315 pounds. He lifted weights, but did no cardiovascular exercise and the years he spent in college eating out every day took its toll on his body. His weight gain started back in junior high and continued through college. Being overweight and picked on, he became the funny guy, always throwing out jokes before people had time to make fun of him. His sense of humor was one of the things that attracted me to him. I was also attracted to his frame. I love that he was big and made me feel safe when he held me or when we were out in public. There is something comforting when you are with the biggest guy in the room. 🙂

Mike and Stacy heavy 4 001

After we had dated for a while and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, I started to pray about his weight and health. I looked down the road and imagined us having children and him not being able to play with them because of his weight. I imagined being widowed because he had a heart attack. We had a few conversations about his health and I assured him of my reasons for wanting him to lose the weight – it wasn’t that I was not attracted to him, it was that I was scared, scared of losing him. One day he decided he didn’t want to be fat anymore. I was so proud of him! When we got engaged he started losing some weight. He lost about 30 pounds before we tied the knot. His suit was way too big on him on our wedding day; I had to pin it back with a chip clip for pictures.

mike weight loss wedding

After we got married, he continued to lose weight. Over the course of about four years, he lost a total of 130 pounds! It really helped that I try to cook as healthful as possible and encourage him to keep at it. In the last month or so he has started running at least 3 days a week and is in the best shape of his life. He started running to support me since I took a leap of faith and am training to run a 5K. He knows the difficult task I’ve set before myself (If you are not familiar with my story or disability, check out the About Me page!) and he has stepped up and supported my running by jumping in with me! I love to watch him with our son; sometimes it make me emotional remembering my fears about him not being able to keep up with our future children.

IMG_4865[1]   IMG_4020[1]   IMG_4748[1]

I do realize that this may not be the case with your husband. Your husband may not be interested in losing weight or taking care of himself. Don’t give up! Keep praying and try to include him (and your whole family!!) in activities that promote good health. Take family walks, challenge him to a game of horse on the basket ball court at the park, join a gym together and ask him to help you tone up. He will probably be excited to be able to show off his big muscles and his knowledge of weight lifting 😉 (Ask him to walk with you on the treadmills while you are there!) Have him help you pick out healthy recipes you can make together or tweak your existing ones to make them healthier. But above all, PRAY! Another point I want to touch on, one that Stormie also mentions in this chapter is health that is out of our control. My husband has tinnitus (Tinnitus is the medical term for “hearing” noises in your ears when there is no outside source of the sounds. The noises you hear can be soft or loud. They may sound like ringing, blowing, roaring, buzzing, hissing, humming, whistling, or sizzling.) This creates big problem for my husband since he is a musician. He also has Tendinitis in his wrists (Tendinitis is inflammation, irritation, and swelling of a tendon, which is the fibrous structure that joins muscle to bone.) and it causes so much pain sometimes that my husband can’t use his hands. I pray that the Lord takes away these diseases, takes away the pain and discomfort from my sweet man, but as Stormie writes,

“Remember, however, that even though we pray and have faith, the outcome and timing are God’s decisions. He says there is ‘a time to heal’ (Ecclesiastes 3:3). If you pray for healing and nothing happens, don’t beat yourself up for it. God sometimes uses a man’s physical ailments to get his attention so He can speak to him. Keep praying, but know God’s decision is the bottom line.” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, Pages 104,105)

I understand how hard it can be to pray for healing and have God answer with a response we don’t want. I’ve been praying for healing for myself for over 11 years. God’s answer has always been “no” and it’s so difficult at times. I write this because it’s easy to give advice about praying for healing when it doesn’t intimately affect you, so I want you to know that what I write comes from a place of quiet desperation for healing, for both myself and my husband. We do our very best to take care of our bodies because we know so much of our health is due to living in a fallen world and I feel that I am responsible to doing everything I can to live as healthy as possible and keep on keepin’ on when God’s answer for healing is “no”. I am praying the Lord gives you comfort in those times when you so desperately want good health for your husbands and it just isn’t happening whether it’s due to your husband’s choices or just living in this world where sickness and disease is a sad reality. Keep praying, keep seeking the Lord, keep keepin’ on. 🙂

“Lord, I pray for Your healing touch on (husband’s name) Make every part of his body function the way you designed it to. Wherever there is anything out of balance, set it in perfect working order. Heal him of any disease, illness, injury, infirmity, or weakness. Strengthen his body to successfully endure his workload, and when he sleeps may he awake completely rested, rejuvenated and refreshed. give him a strong heart that doesn’t fail. I don’t want him to have heart failure at any time. I pray that he will have the desire to take care of his body, to eat the kind of food that brings health, to get regular exercise and avoid anything that would be harmful to him. Help him to understand that his body is Your temple and he should care for it as such (1 Corinthians 3:16). I pray that he will present it as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to You (Romans 12:1).” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, pages 104,105)

The Power Of A Praying Wife – His Choices

My husband has the final decision in our home. He listens to my input, but we believe that as head of our home, his decision is the final one. Sometimes I struggle with that, especially if I don’t agree with his decision. The day to day decisions he pretty much leaves up to me since I’m home and it’s my responsibility to keep life running smoothly, but when there are big decisions to make, ones that can alter our life drastically, such as a new job, making big purchases, it’s his final decision. Until now, praying for him and reading through this chapter, I have never realized the weight of responsibility he has. He needs my prayer; and with sadness I admit I have not prayed for him enough in this area.
Here are a few reasons why…

Firstly, my husband is extremely indecisive. The downside to this is that he takes so long to make choices, driving me crazy (me, being extremely decisive), but the upside is that there is wisdom in weighing all the options and giving The Lord time to work in a situation. Patience is not a gift of mine, but God has given me a very patient man who continually shows me why it’s better to wait on things for a while.

Secondly, the past few months have left me drained. My husband made the choice to finish school this semester, meaning he took 3 classes at one time, on top of his 3 jobs. He was rarely home, and while I understood his reasoning (get it over with as soon as possible so he could be home more), most days it didn’t make it any easier on me. Living in chronic pain, taking care of a two year old and our home by myself because my husband was gone all the time left me with more than a little resentment at times. I’m not proud of this, and I was aware of my sin, laying it before The Lord constantly, but it changed the way I prayed for my husband. I prayed that he would be safe driving and that God would give him strength to get everything done. My prayers were generic and most times not heartfelt. I should have been praying that God would give him wisdom about how to get everything done, that God would direct him and help him to make good choices while he planned out his super packed days. Even in the last week or so since my husband has graduated from school, The Lord has brought healing, in my heart and in our relationship. For the last few months, we were on autopilot. Everything got done, but I wonder if they would have gotten done easier or better if I had prayed more for him. Lord, forgive me.

I know this post doesn’t really go along with or have any content from the chapter, but I’ve been MIA for quite a while and thought I should let you know why. I would like to end with the prayer Stormie prays at the end of this chapter though.

“Lord, full my husband with the fear of The Lord and give him wisdom for every decision he makes. May he reverence You and Your ways and seek to know Your truth. Give him discernment to make decisions based on your revelation. Help him to make godly choices as keep him from doing anything foolish. Take foolishness out of his heart and enable him to quickly recognize error and avoid it. Open his eyes to clearly see the consequences of any anticipated behavior….” (The Power Of A Praying Wife, page 101)

Lord, continue to work in my heart and help me to support my husband and his decisions as he seeks wholeheartedly after You!

“You Have Hair!”

I have always been very self conscious about my hair, or lack thereof.  My hair has been thinning for a very long time. See this post —-> https://stacylevitsky.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/hair-loss/ to read more about it. You can also check out my no ‘poo experiment here —-> https://stacylevitsky.wordpress.com/2013/02/20/no-poo-experiement/, another attempt at fixing my hair problem. I’ve been contemplating a hair piece for a while; I have a friend who wears one (for different reasons than me) and you would never know! She contacted me after she read my post on my thinning hair and actually came over and let me try some of her hair pieces and wigs on. I ordered a hair piece that night and found out a few days later it was on back order (popular piece, I guess!) and was notified that it would take over two months to get to me. After waiting a little over one month, I cancelled the order. I guess I was nervous. It cost a good amount of money and I just kept thinking about all of the other things that we needed that I could use the money on.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. I ended up having to wash my hair after trying the no ‘poo method for about a month. Again, I was so self conscious about how I looked. I contemplated buying a very expensive hair product system that is supposed to help with thinning hair. The cost of that was also high, so I figured I might as well re-order the hair piece.

It came in the mail yesterday.

I was so nervous. I’m not sure why, but I had butterflies in my stomach all day. I guess I was nervous that I would look ridiculous or that the color wouldn’t match or that I would hate it and I wasted money. When I first put it on, I felt ridiculous. I am not used to seeing myself with hair. It was shocking. It was also heavy like a hat. I didn’t know if I could get used to that feeling. It clips in in four different places and it felt secure, but I started to worry that it would blow off in the wind. I was worried it looked fake. It looked fake to me. But I’m used to seeing my scalp all the time.

I sent a picture to my sister. She loved it. I sent a picture to my mom. She loved it. My hubby came home and he said I looked different – but a good different. He said, “You have hair!” LOL!

I wore it around the house all evening and a couple of times I even forgot I had it on. The heavy feeling went away for the most part. This morning I needed to run to Target for a few things and decided to try it out. I felt nervous since it was windy, but it held firm. I called my sister on my way there and told her I was feeling nervous. She assured me that it looked great and that I just needed to be confident. And you know what?

I felt confident and I looked great!

I only noticed I had it on twice in Target. We were there for an hour or so. When I went to pick up my prescription, the pharmacist didn’t look at my scalp once! Most people have a hard time keeping eye contact. Most people’s eyes will wander up to my hair line. They don’t mean to, but I notice.

When I got home I looked in the mirror and I felt great. I even got a little teary-eyed. This is absolutely life-changing. My hair loss has been one thing that really holds me back. Now I don’t have to think about it any more. I contemplated posting my pictures, because it’s kind of embarrassing. Ok, really embarrassing; like don’t-want-to-leave-the-house-sometimes embarrassing. But, there may be someone who finds my blog who feels the same was I do, who needs to know they are not alone. And if someone doesn’t want to be my friend, or thinks differently of me because of this, then that’s their problem. So here you go! The before and after!

IMG_3608[1]For anyone interested in purchasing this hair piece, here is the link.  http://www.wowwigs.com/frontline.html

Wrestling

I’m struggling with the pain again.

It doesn’t happen very often any more, but when it does, I’m a mess. I question everything I know about God, about life. I am emotionally miserable and physically wreathing. Last night was no different. I was telling Mike that in our Ladies’ Bible study we are studying the names of God and how I am not comforted that God is El Roi – The God Who Sees. Because if He sees and doesn’t intervene where terrible, painful things are happening, then He can’t be a loving God.  How can a sovereign God, El Elyon, God Most High, allow pain and suffering in the world? Doesn’t He care about what’s going on? I know these are most commonly questions and thoughts of a non-believer, but I’ve been a Christian for 20 years and I still wrestle with this. I’m so glad God loves me and is patient and merciful and that I don’t have to watch out for the lightening bolts when I write things like these!

Mike and I have been engaging in really serious, intellectual conversations lately about God and the problem of pain and suffering. I have tried to figure it all out emotionally and have not been satisfied with any answers people or the Bible can give me. Mike hoped that if we put emotions aside (he’s such a man!) and looked at it from a rational, purely intellectual perspective, then it would make more sense to me. I’ve been reading the Bible and articles and books and listening to podcasts. To be honest, it does make more sense. I’m not sure I could do a good enough job explaining it, so I won’t try, but if you have questions, just comment on this post and I’ll be sure to have Mike read and answer them. He’s such a godly man, so full of wisdom.

Even though I understand it in my head, my heart still hurts. And Mike helped me realize that, really, my issues aren’t about the pain and suffering in the world, although I would love for that to end and for people to feel no pain. My issues come from the lens through which I view the world, and that lens is pain, sometimes dull and annoying, other times fiery and debilitating. I don’t want to hurt any more. I don’t want to be disabled by the pain. I want to live what most people would consider a normal life. I want to get up in the morning and not wonder if my legs will give out from the pain when I stand, or if I will be able to pick Samuel up when he calls out “Mama” from his bed. I want to chop vegetables for dinner and not have lingering pain in my wrists. I want to sit through Bible study and not be distracted because my legs feel like cement and I know if I sit too long I won’t be able to walk the next day. Please don’t get me wrong, I know compared to so many in the world, my life is a cake walk. I’m not minimizing the horrendous pain and suffering of other people. But I can only write from my point of view.

I know that God allows the pain in my life because it is the best thing for His plan, it brings Him the most glory and I trust Him. My pain brings the most good. Otherwise, He would heal me. I believe that as long as my pain serves the greater purpose of bringing souls to Christ, that I will continue in pain. And on an intellectual level, I’m okay with that. But what I really want the most? I want physical comfort. I want the pain to stop and I know that it won’t. It’s exhausting and depressing and it makes me question my loving Creator and that makes me so sad. I trust Him, but I also live the reality of debilitating pain. I have yet to find the emotional comfort I’m looking for, but I’m glad that this ongoing, seemingly never-ending trial has been seeking the Lord more, has me wresting with my faith. Because as always, the Lord shows Himself faithful and my faith grows.

If you have a moment, please say a prayer for me. Ask the Lord to send me physical help when I need it, the comforting words of  a friend when the physical and emotional pain become too much for me to bear on my own. Pray for my husband and son who also live through this trial with me. Please pray the Lord gives Samuel a miraculous understanding that Mama has an owwie  in her back and that even though I can’t play on the floor with him all the time, that I love him so very much. Pray that Mike would be strengthened. I’m sure living with me is exhausting!

I’m not sure what the point of this post is…maybe I just needed to get it all out. Maybe someone else needed to know they aren’t alone when they have thoughts like these. In any case, I’m praying the Lord uses it for His glory and that people come to know and love Him more.