One year ago in June, I pulled my groin and quad because I worked out with a personal trainer – once- and I obviously pushed my poor body too hard, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time. It was one week after working out with the trainer that I was under Samuel’s highchair cleaning up his tossed dinner when I got up from kneeling and felt something pull in my leg. I could have sworn I audibly heard it tear. It was sickening and Mike got me to a chair and we put ice on it, but the damage was done. It took close to $500, lots of ice, heat and Motrin, physical therapy, an MRI and almost 6 months before I was able to work out again. Lesson learned…. or so I thought….
I have been feeling pretty terrible lately, fibromyalgia-wise. I notice though that when I work out consistently, the pain, anxiety and depression are far less than if I stayed home and did nothing. This week I went to the gym 4 days and either walked on the treadmill or “ran” on the elliptical. I was feeling great! I had more energy, my debilitating pain was now just annoying and tiring.
A few weeks ago, Mike started a fitness challenge group with a workout program called T25 from Beachbody. It’s a workout that you do at home while watching some videos. My girlfriends and I are going on a girls’ getaway in August and have all committed to losing 10 pounds before then. Mike thought it would be fun if we all did this workout program together. We start on Monday so Mike decided to preview it last night. I was excited to see the modified moves and wondered if I would be able to keep up. I started the workout with him, making sure to watch the girl doing all of the low impact modifications. I made it 17 minutes into the 25 minute video. Then my leg and groin started to ache. I immediately stopped and put ice on it. Fifteen minutes passed and I felt like I had injured myself just like last year. I went to bed crying, not because of the pain (I deal with pain all the time, I’m a champ! LOL); it was because of the disappointment and fear I felt.
You see, I want to be fit, like really fit. I LOVE working out. I would workout hard every single day if my body let me. But it doesn’t. I have tried running, yoga, workout videos. The only exercise I can do it walking or the elliptical (some days, if my shoulders will let me. Sometimes I can’t move my arms because of the pain.) The rest leave me in more pain, sometimes pain that lasts months. It’s extremely disappointing.
I’m thankful to be able to walk for exercise. I wasn’t supposed to be walking, period. But there is this desire in me to be more, do more. And my body just says no.
This morning my leg and groin are feeling a little better. I’m going to take it super easy today and maybe even skip the gym this week to let it heal. I know that will cause my fibro pain, anxiety and depression to rise again. It’s a terrible cycle. My heart breaks every time it happens and I feel hopeless. This happened a couple weeks ago. I had a swollen and painful lymph node and wasn’t able to work out. This caused a huge fibromyalgia flare. I was just coming out of it and then this happened. Sigh….
I guess I just needed to vent and write about how I felt. Mike can only say “I’m sorry, Babe” so many times. I hate that he hurts so much when i’m hurting. He knows me better than anyone in the whole world; he knows how disappointed I am. I was telling him last night that I’m so sad that I’ll never be as fit as I want to be. He replied with “But you can be as fit as you can be.”
My goal this week is to focus on that. Do everything I can to be as fit as I can be. Focus on the fact that I can do something; some people are not able to do anything. Some people are able to do it all and still choose to do nothing. If this week all I can do it walk, then I’ll walk. If all I can do it rest and ice, then I will rest and ice. And I’ll do my very best to stay positive.